It was once believed that masturbation was not only unhealthy, but that nocturnal emissions are a disease (they even had a name for the disease — “Spermatorrhoea.”
Men in the Victorian era really were caught in a ruthless circle. You’re looking at it on the left, over there.
The Jugum Penis was intended to cure “spermatorrhoea”, a Victorian-era name for nocturnal emissions. The device was fashioned out of a metal ring, which would fit at the base of the penis and was attached with a clip, which already explains why you never see any paintings of dudes from the Victorian Era with a smile.
Essentially how it worked was you were fine unless you got at ALL aroused (or unless you were a shower).
The Jugum Penis was barbaric, as it was quite literally a bear trap for erections, which meant, unfortunately, that men in those times had to choose between white stains on their bedsheets in the morning and red ones.
The Mechanical Sheath
In 1906, a man named Raphael Sohn invented what was essentially a chastity belt for dudes.
The way it works is that you’re supposed to position it over your penis. It fits so snug, that it is then impossible to move off of your penis without “great physical pain and possible mutilation.” And if you were to even TRY to remove it and miraculously (bloodily) succeed, it can’t be replaced without the tiny, tiny key.
So basically, if you put this on and want it off, you’ll either have to ruin your penis or NEVER lose a tiny, tiny, unique and life-changing key. Here’s betting five bucks that douchebag guys in the early 20th century would take turns slapping people’s keys out of their hands and into gutter then running away: the ultimate prank. *Shiver*
The Stephenson Spermatic Truss
One must wonder how many trials the Spermatic Truss (patented in 1876) went through before it achieved success — success in this case being enclosing an entire package in a pouch and in the process, stretching it to fit against a man’s leg and then binding it between the legs, making any natural attempt at becoming aroused or performing the splits, as most Victorian men did, impossible.
Stephenson continuously tinkered with his invention and some 20 years later had the common sense to free the male member to its natural, just hanging out, state. However, at even the slightest chance of getting excited, the member would have to deal with the spikes now lined on the pouch if any stiffening occurred, making this yet another Penis Iron Maiden (a metal band that somehow still does not exist.)
Wait…so it was always extremely uncomfortable on the crotch area and getting an erection was incredibly painful? Come to think of it, this one’s still around today. It’s called jeans.
In 1837, a health food nut preached sermons about the dangers of masturbation and soon invented a cracker to help ward off those dangers. If you ate your cracker in the morning, the blandness of the cracker was supposed to lower your lust all day so that you would not have “vital fluid” expending urges.
That man’s name was Sylvester Graham and his cracker, the Graham cracker , is an anti-masturbation practice many of us still use today.
Disregarding the ridiculous notion that a cracker could impact sexual drive, I only have one question: if it works so well, how does everyone get laid on camping trips?
The Bowen Device
This bad boy doesn’t seem that harmless, until you realize you have to clip it to your pubes.
The way it works is, when your little guy decides to rise n’ shine, the Bowen device’s clips are activated and they proceed to rip out all the surrounding pubic hairs.
The device experienced solid popularity until the invention of the electric razor (and “humanity”) in 1928.
The Female Chastity Belt
Of course, the female chastity belt must be included on this list. It is the ultimate in anti-masturbation (and any other sexual act) devices, as it becomes permanent, disgusting underwear that women subjected to them must wear while urinating and defecating, as well as sleeping, eating, riding and everything else.
Allegedly, the chastity belt was an almost-sweet show of allegiance to the men who would go off to fight in the Crusades, to prevent women from succumbing to temptation… or so the story goes. In reality, very few were actually recorded to have existed before the 16th century. Even then, the sustainability of such a device, safely, would be close to 0% given the conditions of the time, as well as actually fitting this to a woman would’ve been insanely difficult given the metal-working technology of the time.
Here’s an example of a chastity belt from the early 20th century being used on a woman for early BDSM purposes. Much like The Cage, this anti-sex/masturbation device has been adopted into a sub-culture that embraces it, ironically, as part of their culture of pleasure/”sin”.
The French Electrical Device
This French anti-masturbation device called simply “Electric anti-masturbation machine (from 1915 France) , would have the man wear a ring connected to an electrical system.
Welcome to the f*ture, anti-masturbation devices! The machine would electrocute the penis after any semblance of an increase in girth of the penis. Just kidding… here’s what it actually did:
While the machine was electric, the rising of the member instead set off an electric mechanism that triggered an alarm bell and let the man, and everyone else within a one-mile-radius know what was going on… the better tip as to if the man needed this machine or not? The fact that he was carrying around a giant machine that was designed specifically for that purpose.
The Cold Water Shower
In 1893, a man named Frank Orth perfected this device: waterproof pants. Kinda sounds like an invention a cartoon character’s dad would come up with, doesn’t it? Well, someone actually did it.
This same, brilliant, man also invented an anti-masturbation/nocturnal emission device which worked via the George Costanza “shrinkage” theory.
In addition to wearing these pants, a man’s shaft would be slipped into the frontal shaft, nestled between two levers. As he slept, should the organ expand, it would set off the layers and release cold water to fill up the chamber. In his words “The cold water… cools the organ of generation, so that the erection subsides and no discharge occurs.”
With the exception of coming up with a neat nickname (the organ of generation), Farnk Orth’s device probably didn’t work well because it’s a natural fact that when men are asleep in the REM dreaming stage, the natural bodily function is to be erect (which is also why the previous items, Graham Crackers included, are so grisly). [Insert “wet dream” joke here.]
Despite all Victorian-Era men’s rage, their penises was reduced to being trapped in this thing.
This penis cage was not an anti-erection device, like most of these in general (that would keep men from being able to get an erection and therefore not be able to masturbate), but it would actually allow for erections — which is almost worse because even when fully erect, the cage served its purpose: to let men have erections, but not let ANYTHING happen as soon as they did.
Sylvester Graham’s preaching was taken note of by another famous food pioneer – John Henry Kellogg. Dr. Kellogg was a medical doctor who ran a sanitarium and offered ways to better health through nutrition and exercise. His dietary advisement was mostly based in bland foods and no meats whatsoever, hence why Frosted Flakes exist and why your grandma always put jelly in your corn flakes to get you to eat them.
Kellogg believed that spicy and sweet foods would increase the libido. When the cornflakes were invented by accident, Kellogg immediately latched on to its possibility as a sex-reducing staple food because of its wheat and corn composition and its lack of spiciness or exoticness and general lack of flavor.
Meanwhile, the patients took a liking to the corn flakes because corn is naturally delicious. Kellogg tinkered with the formula and formed a company to mass produce what he thought would be a healthy, whole-wheat,sexually repressive breakfast .