Life is unfair. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people, seemingly without reason. Sometimes, though, justice shines through in the most poetic way possible, and people who made dumb choices end up getting their comeuppance in the most satisfying ways. These are those stories.
Lawmakers Legalize Raw Milk, Then Get Sick to Their Stomachs After Drinking It
For pretty much your whole life, you’ve been drinking processed, pasteurized milk. There’s a good reason for this: raw, unfiltered milk contains dangerous micro-organisms that wreck havoc on your digestive system, not to mention that it spoils far quicker than standard grocery store milk. For a while, most states banned the production of raw milk for this very reason: there was basically no point to it, since we’d already perfected the craft of producing safe, healthy milk.
Not so fast, said West Virginia lawmakers, who viewed the prohibition on raw milk as a dangerous government intrusion into the private sector. When they passed a bill that successfully lifted the prohibition on raw milk production, they all chugged a glass of it in celebration. Almost immediately, the lawmakers reported having severe stomach pains and pounding headaches. Oops.
Amazingly, the lawmakers deny any connection to their stomach bugs and the milk, saying “I highly doubt the raw milk had anything to do with it,” and, “there still shouldn’t be a law against allowing people to do what they want.”
Right. Because there’s overwhelming demand to drink raw milk. And because everyone who drank the raw milk mysteriously got the exact same illness at the exact same time. Totally a coincidence.
Let’s just hope these bozos legalize sticking a fork into an outlet next.
“Prophet” Tries to Bless Lions, Gets Butt Ripped Off by Lions
For some inexplicable reason, a self-styled “Christian prophet” at the Krueger National Park in South Africa suddenly became “overcome” with the spiritual imperative to leave his safari vehicle to enter the lion habitat – WHILE THE LIONS WERE EATING A CARCASS – and attempt to “control” them by entering a trance and speaking in tongues.
The lions didn’t take too well to having their meal interrupted by a random dude sputtering gibberish, so they did what lions do best and chased him. Immediately realizing his grave error, the “prophet” immediately started to run away, but the lions got the better of him, tackling him to the ground and ripping apart his butt cheeks with their teeth. Really.
The lions only left after a safari security guard fired off warning shots, which scared them away. After undergoing immediate emergency surgery, the victim stated “I do not know what came over me.”
Yeah, no kidding.
Gun Rights Advocate for Kids Gets Shot by Her Four-Year-Old Son
This one you could see coming from a mile away.
Pro-gun rights social media personality Jamie Gilt, mere hours after broadcasting to her followers that her 4-year old son was “getting jacket up to target shoot,” was shot in the back by her son with her own gun.
She was driving her car where she had left a loaded .45 caliber handgun in the back seat within reach of her four-year-old child. Taking after his mother, the curious kid decided to use the gun, shooting the driver’s seat of the car. The bullet ripped through the seat and punctured Gilt’s back, necessitating an emergency trip to the hospital.
This was a horrible accident and it’s lucky that she survived. But remember that Jamie Gilt was no ordinary Second Amendment supporter: she frequently and verbally made arguments for children to own and be trained with weapons for their own safety. Might wanna rethink that one, Jamie.
The truly sad part? Shooting accidents by kids cause more deaths every year in America than terrorist attacks. Yeah.
Assholes Post Their Stupid Crimes On Facebook, Are Immediately Caught
There’s really no excuse for any part of this story.
Apparently some bored privately-schooled teenagers in Australia have been passing the time by ripping seats off of public transportation and throwing them into oncoming traffic, a ridiculous and dangerous act for many reasons. Think about the damage to the trains themselves, the cleanup needed to go retrieve the seats, the damage done to oncoming cars who collide head-on with the seats. . . what is the point of this?
“You hit a f*cking car, bro, that’s gonna be on the news!” one of the teens says with glee in a video they filmed of the act.
If you thought the story couldn’t get any stupider, the teens uploaded the video to Facebook, thus providing clear evidence to the entire world of their petty, pointless crimes. The kids, after identified by the police, now face up to five years in prison. In the words of Nelson Muntz, ha-ha!
Internet Troll Gets Out-Trolled by the BBC
Ever curious about who the actual people behind those disgusting YouTube comments are? So was the BBC, who managed to track down a man who went by the username Nimrod Severn (your guess is as good as ours), real name Darren Burton, who frequently trolled the Facebook pages of recently deceased children, leaving comments like “Rot in piss” for the kid’s friends and family to see.
This is unambiguously disgusting behavior, especially coming from a married 41-year old man with kids. The BBC caught up with him, tracking him down for a surprise, in-person interview, during which they aired all of Nimrod Severn’s dirty laundry out loud. His wife and kids had no idea he had been saying these things, and he had to own up to them face-to-face, with no warning. They asked if he realized he was having a real effect on the families of the murdered children he was trolling. “Well yeah,” he responded, “fuck ’em.”
The best part? When the BBC aired the documentary on exposing internet trolls, they included his real name and address. The outpouring of public hatred forced him to quit Facebook and move away. Good riddance.
Bully Cuts Off Three-Year Old’s Hair, Gets Ordered by Judge to Have Hair Cut Off in Court
If you want to know how truly awful teenagers can be, look no further than the case of 13-year-old Kaytlen Lopan, who, with a friend, met a three-year old girl in a McDonald’s in Utah and forcibly cut her hair off.
Thankfully, the crime doesn’t get any uglier than that, but the punishment Kaytlen received is one of the clearest-cut cases of “eye for an eye” in recent times. After hearing the arguments, the judge ordered Kaytlen 30 days of detention and 276 hours of community service – before an idea struck him.
“I’m going to give you this option: I will cut that by 150 hours if you want to cut her hair right now,” the judge said to her mother, “Right now. I’ll go get a pair of scissors and we’ll whack that ponytail off.”
And that’s exactly what happened, in court, in front of a public crowd. A round of applause for this creative judge.
Thief Tries to Rob Store and Gets Firmly Beaten Up
In 2016 a very bad thief tried to rob a store by threatening a cashier, but as luck would have it, another employee was on duty and ready to throw down. The employee used a mop to start wrecking the thief’s face and then grabbed a wet floor sign and beat the thief over the head with it. If that’s not bad enough, a customer then walked into the store, saw what was happening, grabbed a trash can, and threw it at the would-be thief. What a bad day to be a thief.
Hero Sends Creep’s Disgusting Facebook Messages To His Mother
Criminal Dares Cops to Catch Him, You’ll Never Believe What Happens
A word of advice to any present or future criminals, if you haven’t been arrested for being a bozo don’t give the cops a reason to start looking for you. Cops are dying for an excuse to meet their archnemeses. It’s the whole reason they got into policing in the first place.
Cameron Cox, a 24-year-old ding-dong who was wanted for burglary, grand theft, dealing in stolen property, and defrauding a pawn broker, issued a public dare on his Facebook page when he posted the movie poster for Catch Me if You Can along with the text, “F*ck it. Might as well have some fun with this. LOL.” The Tampa Police Department pretty much immediately caught him and released this statement, “When he is done serving his time, maybe Cameron Cox should update his profile photo with his mugshot.”
Robber Runs Into MMA Fighter and Things Go Swell
The worst-case scenario for anyone committing a crime is to run into someone with a predilection for beating guys to a pulp. That’s exactly what happened to David Nemeth when he tried to rob a woman who was working at a pharmacy counter in Bradenton, Florida (because of course). It turned out that the woman’s boyfriend happened to be in the store, and that he was a trained MMA fighter with a heart of gold.
After hearing Nemeth say he had a gun, the boyfriend pinned him and waited for the cops to arrive. After the would-be robber was arrested, the MMA fighter (and apparently the sweetest man in the world) told WFLA, “The whole time I was holding him down it really, really hurt my heart. I did what I had to do to protect the person I love. I hope he gets the help he needs and I hope it helps his loved ones too.”
Dum-Dum Slaps Horse and Instant Karma Gets Her
Hey folks, don’t mess with horses. Just before Halloween in 2016 a woman slapped a police horse named Murney that was still in training during the annual Queen’s University homecoming celebration. And, duh, things did not work out in her favor. After slapping the horse the woman and two friends were arrested and accused to be charged with “Injury to Animal.”
Rookie Hacker Gets Hacked
This is the problem when hackers who aren’t elite try to hack, they get hacked! In November, 2016 a hacker who had zero cool dealt out the plague of hijacking the San Francisco rail system and tried to hold it hostage for 100 Bitcoins, the equivalent of $73,000 – an acid burn on any city’s bank account for sure. Despite his genius plan, the hacker slipped up when he gave out his actual email address for the agency to send the Bitcoin to.
This rookie mistake allowed the hacker to get into his email account and change his passwords. Not only was this heinous crash override a complete burn on the original hacker’s not-so-elite skills, but it kept him from transferring any of his Bitcoins. While the city of San Francisco was taking care of their hacker infestation they were forced to let their MUNI riders take the train for free. At least someone won in this scenario.