21 People Reveal The Funniest Things They’ve Done To Avoid Sex

There are¬†so many ways people will try to seduce someone¬†into having sex with them, but we often forget that there’s a flip-side: the funny excuses people use¬†to¬†avoid¬†sex. Though culture often places sex at the top of peoples’ desires,¬†even needs, not everyone always wants to have it. And we definitely don’t always want to have it with the person¬†who wants to have it with us. But, because we don’t want to hurt anyones feelings, people get a little creative.

And really, some of the ways people have gotten out of sex are downright mad – just check out¬†this list from Reddit users.¬†Jumping from buildings, lying, building forts – there’s no limit to what we will do ot try to get out of a sticky situation. They¬†say that honesty is the best policy, but nobody wants to hear that you just aren’t interested. But maybe we should start saying it, because some of these¬†methods are downright dangerous.

 

Snores Away

I had just graduated college and moved to a new town. A girl I knew offered to show me around for the night.

We go to a house party with her friends and drink until 2 am. At that point, she asks me if I want to crash on her couch. The thing is, I’m actually really far from home. I have no car. I’m drunk. Public transportation will take hours. So, I agree – sure, I‚Äôll crash on your couch.

Now, she was not at all unattractive –¬†far from it. The thing is, I had spent quite a bit of time with her in college, and there had never been any spark. We had been in a touring performance group together, rehearsed for hundreds of hours, gone on road trips, shared hotel rooms, etc. She fought constantly with other members of the group. She hooked up with a couple of the guys –¬†all older than me. I didn’t judge her for that, but I knew enough to know that I didn’t want to get involved.

Anyway, we get into her apartment. She says, “Oh f*ck it, I don’t feel like making up the couch, you can just sleep on my bed. It’s no big deal,¬†it will be just like we’re on tour.”

So we get into bed. I’m lying on my back, she on hers. We stay that way silently for several minutes. I can tell she’s wide awake. And then, suddenly, I feel her hand on my leg. It starts stroking my thigh. Her nails dig in. She goes farther and further up my leg, rubbing back-and-forth.

Oh f*ck¬†f*ck¬†f*ck. I really don’t want to do this. But I certainly don’t want to explain that, either. So, I think fast. And let out a loud, rasping, rattling snore.

Her hand pauses.

SNOOOOREEE…

Her hand moves away.

I rev up the chainsaw for about five minutes. Eventually, she rolls over on her side and goes to sleep. Bullet dodged. She kept her pride, while I kept my dainty manhood intact.

A Gentlemen With No Nose Hair

Back in college I was a designated driver for a group of friends.

We get to a party and my sober-ass is bored. A¬†very, very drunk woman I know from one of my classes starts¬†hitting on me, culminating with her telling me she’ll¬†f*ck my brains out. Sober me thought this isn’t kosher since she is hammered,¬†so I turn¬†around for a moment and yank¬†a few hairs out of my nose, making¬†my¬†eyes water and my nose run and I say “I¬†have a brutal cold you don’t want to catch. Why don’t you let me get better and then I’ll take you out?”

I give her my phone number and she finds it¬†so sweet she passes¬†out with her head in my lap. Three days later before class she comes up to me, gives me a HUGE hug, and thanks¬†me for not being a dick. We end¬†up dating and she’s still one of my best friends.

A Smell And A Runner

I go¬†with this girl¬†to some seedy love hotel¬†(I’m Brazilian). She wants me to go down on her. Well, why the f*ck not?

Thing is, there’s a strange smell coming from down there. And it’s far from that normal, girly, (and pleasing) smell. No, it’s not menstruation, it’s not poop, it isn’t anything caused by lack of hygiene either. It’s not even an yeast infection (I know these smells, trust me). It’s something akin to¬†carrion, like there’s some necrotic tissue inside her parts. When I take¬†her panties off I almost gag.

So I do¬†what any manly man would do –¬†I immediately excuse¬†myself to the bathroom and escape¬†through the window.

Bromance

I went to a bar with two buddies, one of whom was¬†meeting a girl there he had a crush on. She was wasted when we arrived, and after introductions it became apparent she was interested in me – heavy flirting, obvious touching, etc. My friend with the crush took it in stride, sorta giving me a¬†c’est la vie-shrug, but I felt bad. I moved the conversation around till it was ripe to drop a white lie: I was gay. She didn’t believe me at first, so I improv-ed and wrapped my arm around my other friend, who was in the middle of WTF-ing after hearing me say that, and introduced him as my partner. She did a hip cock and asked us to prove it.

There are those moments when you catch the gaze of a friend and realize that what’s about to go down is something that you’ll laugh about later, or regale at each other’s wedding. It only lasts for a split-second, but in those moments you can glimpse the depth of your friendship. We shared a moment like that before exchanging a slow, gentle, familiar kiss. She just stood there, then said “Wow, you guys don’t seem gay?”

Meanwhile my pal who was into her witnessed the whole thing, jaw-dropped, and bought us two shots. She became more obnoxious as the night wore on, and my pal lost all interest. Came outta there with a great story though.

Mom To The Rescue

A few years back, single¬†and on the mend from a nine-year¬†relationship, I was on Facebook chatting with my¬†mother’s best friend. We were talking about her kids who are my age, and how they’ve been, and how I wished I had hung out with them more in high school. The conversation became¬†a bit more personal, and it migrated¬†to text. She¬†asked¬†me how big I am, and how she was¬†always¬†curious. She was¬†a very attractive lady, but 30 years older than me. Plus, she had¬†a big rack, which I got to see based off the pictures she started sending me.

In a moment of weakness, I decided¬†I’m going to hit this. I gave¬†her my address, and she started¬†driving over. In a moment of clarity, I realized what was about to happen and started freaking out.

I called my mother shortly before her friend arrived and told her I was homesick. That I missed her cooking. I asked if she could please come over and cook with me. She enthusiastically agreed, and said she’d be right on down! I asked her if she could please call 5-10 minutes before she got there because I may be in the shower.

Her friend then arrived, and immediately stripped¬†down naked before the door even shuts. She started¬†straddling me and my phone rang. I picked it up, put it on speaker, and it was¬†my mother saying she’s about five¬†minutes away.

Her friend had the deer in the headlights look, put her clothes back on, and bolted.

An Actual Sprint

I ran the f*ck away. I was with a girl from a party going at it on top of a car hood in an alley.

After a bit, she tried to slip me in, and because she was wearing a skirt and no panties this was easily attainable. She had a death-lock on my hips with her legs as I was standing there, and I asked if she had any condoms. She told me “no” and again with her death-grip¬†on me started to steer me back into her.

In my head I was thinking “F*ck AIDS¬†and sh*t.¬†I don’t know her, she’s not even wearing panties.”¬†Instead of telling her I didn’t want to, my drunk-ass instead went ‘Ohhhh!’¬†and pointed out across the street. When she looked, all in one motion,¬†I spun out of her grip,¬†grabbed my pants back up, and¬†went into a full sprint, jumping¬†the fence into someone’s yard.¬†About the time I hit the ground over the fence I heard her yell “Are you fu*king kidding me!”

Simple And To The Point

I just say that I have diarrhea.

Nobody wants to have sex with someone who has diarrhea.

LIbrary Camp Out

A girl in my friend’s¬†dorm¬†forced him to walk her home,¬†and then alleged not to have a key to her room. She then pulled him into his bed and tried to get things going in a hurry. He got up, claiming he had to go to the bathroom, grabbed a hoodie, and walked 20 minutes to the library, where he slept for the rest of the night on the ground because the room with the lounge chairs was closed. He got dozens of calls and texts from her, but never heard from her again after that night.

No Girls Allowed

While wing-manning a friend (who was having sex in another room of the house) I had to sleep in the same bed as the¬†girl he was having sex¬†with’s ugly friend.¬†So she really wants to do the dirty but I’m not feeling it with her at all. So, very drunk, I decided to make a ‘fort’¬†on my half of the bed out of blankets and pillows and such and try to go to sleep. However, she is surprisingly aggressive, so for an hour I have to keep yelling at her, “NO GIRLS ALLOWED IN MY FORT!” She eventually got the message.”

Whiskey A No-No

The¬†sex with my ex-girlfriend was so terrible¬†(she’d lay there like a dead fish, basically) that when we would go out to bars, I’d purposely give myself whiskey dick.

Finally A Use For Landlines

I once picked up a girl in a bar and brought her home. Soon after she arrived, I realized she was psycho-crazy. She walked in and looked at my ashtray and freaked out and took it into the kitchen and started scrubbing and cleaning it like her life depended on it. Then she came back into the living room and started neatly removing and folding her clothes, all the while talking about how pissed off she was at her boyfriend. This was obviously some kind of revenge sex.

I’m getting more and more weirded out by this girl and don’t want to have anything to do with her, but what can I do?

I then realize¬†I had two phone lines in the house (this was before cell phones were popular) and one phone was alongside the couch on the floor so I sat down, leaned my arm over the side and dialed the other phone where she couldn’t see, then when the phone rang I picked it up.

“Hello? Yes. What? Are you sure? Right now? Ok, yes, I’m on my way.”

And without even looking at her I went into my bedroom, grabbed a handgun, slid a clip into it, chambered a round, and placed the gun inside my waistband and said, “You’re going to have to leave, I’ve got something to take care of.”

A Tight Squeeze

I was drunk, sitting up on top of a dryer in a¬†friend’s laundry room. The creepy girl I had avoided all evening entered and¬†cornered me in the room. She pushed¬†up on me, tried¬†unbuckling my belt, and attempted¬†to kiss me. My only method of evasion was to fall backwards behind the dryer and wait until backup arrived. Three friends heard her calling for help and sprung me from being trapped between the wall and the dryer. I left the room with them as my guardians. I’ll never forget the terror of being wedged back there, while watching her fat hot-dog fingers try to molest me from above.

Zoidberg

It was 2005 or 2006, and I was with¬†some friends at a girl’s place. She had¬†a thing for me, but I strongly suspected that she wasn’t completely mentally stable. We were¬†all on her bed watching¬†Family Guytogether, and she decided¬†she f*cking wants me. She rolled¬†on top of me, pinning¬†my¬†arms, to which my¬†friends are like “Uh¬†we’re gonna leave”¬†and start to head out. I gave them pleading¬†eyes, but began thinking¬†fast.

My wrestling instincts took control.¬†I flipped her over, now¬†on top of her with her arms pinned, and she looked excited. I hopped up, and “WOOOP WOOOOP WOOOP WOOOP” and¬†Zoidberg-crab-walk away. She did turn out to be crazy as f*ck.

Don’t Forget Your Hat

My friend was¬†very drunk in college, and went home with a very unattractive girl. We had tried to stop him, but he didn’t listen.¬†Shortly after arriving at her home, he ¬†regained clarity, and realized he needed to escape. She left the room for a moment to brush her teeth or some such task, and he jumped out her second-story window. He forgot his hat, though, and had to climb back in said window. Then he jumped back out. It¬†was a small school and we¬†saw her on campus often.

Let’s Get Kinky

My girlfriend¬†was in Spain for a while¬†and I was hanging at my local bar¬†after work one night. After a few beers and some darts, all of a sudden it’s near closing time.

I am normally a bike commuter, but was recovering from being hit by a car so I was waiting on a cab while this 5-6/10 regular customer was trying to chat me up. I was courteous and polite, but trying to shut her down. After forty minutes of no cab showing up, she offered to give me a ride home. F*ck it, it was free, so I took it.

Once we got in¬†the car she continued¬†seriously trying to hit on me. Eventually she asked¬†why I don’t just stay with her and I replied, as I did quite a bit at this point, that I have a GF and love¬†her. She asked¬†what the hell is so special about this girl that I won’t just cheat on her real quick. I went¬†past being uncomfortable and began getting pissed.

I kept¬†my cool, and explained that if I were to go to hers¬†then I’d need to stop by my house and get my toy box. She asked¬†what that means, and I told¬†her it’s just the standard stuff. Ball gags, riding crops, a couple butt plugs, just the basics. She seemed¬†a bit weirded out, but not quite what I want.

So I said, “If you’re into it, that’s just the beginning. Are you into bondage? I’ve got a whole closet full of fun stuff to play with.”

I kept¬†going, pulling all of this out of thin air, and by the time we got¬†a couple miles down the road at my house, this b*tch couldn’t wait to get me out of her car. Never did see her in the bar again, either.

Simba

I was really high watching The Lion King and this very unattractive girl kept edging closer to me on the couch. I eventually wound up curled-up in the fetal position away from her tucked into the very corner of the sofa.

Sacred Tequila

Last year¬†I met a girl at a party, and we hit it off after getting a rather large number of beers inside of us. Eventually we moved into a bedroom and started making out pretty intensely. I was a virgin at this point, and I decided to get down to business for the very first time. As I turned aside to put my socks on (I like to be comfy), she slipped her hand down her skirt and ripped off a bloody tampon, thinking I wasn’t looking. At this point my drunken mind decided to go into overdrive to get me the f*ck out of there, resulting in me saying the following words:

“Bluehhggh I need to bury my tequila.”

I jumped off the bed and ran off into the night like a bat out of hell.

A Veritable Bounty

A couple once tried to¬†have a threesome with me.¬†They kept trying to touch me and massage me, and my awkward, idiotic attempt at diffusing the situation was to complain incessantly about how hungry I was and could we¬†please¬†go find some fried chicken. Finally I had to explicitly tell them I wasn’t interested.

They were really nice about it, so nice that they believed me about being starving and loaded me down with all this fresh produce. I had to walk home at midnight carrying two huge armfuls of cabbage and pears and stuff. All my housemates were up when I got back and wanted to know where I had found a farmer’s market so late at night.

Thank You, Jesus

I told this girl¬†that¬†Jesus wouldn’t approve of our having premarital sex¬†(she stunk horrendously once I got down there).

I lived in a small town where dating was really, really hard. I was mid-late 20s and the only people I ever met were married, and it was actually pretty depressing. One Saturday morning I wake up and had a random Facebook message from some girl in town asking if I wanted to hang out that night. Looked through her pictures; cute, nice body, decent job, and within five years of my age!

We decided¬†to hang out at my house and watch a football game. She showed¬†up looking at least 20lbs heavier than her pictures and some pretty broken-out skin, but I was¬†okay with that, more curious to see what she was like. I had bought us pizza and booze for the night. She scarfed¬†down her portion of the pie before I’d¬†finished half of mine. Next, onto the booze. She finished her bottle of sangria in about 3 minutes literally chugs every drink.

She was getting pretty tipsy within 30 minutes of showing up. But that¬†wasn’t¬†enough, so she kept¬†sneaking into the kitchen and drinking vodka straight from the bottle (I caught her the 3rd time). Classy, huh?

The rest of the night involved her trying to get me to make out with her repeatedly. When I would refuse, she’d literally throw a tantrum. Finally, after having enough, I told her she needed to leave. She proceeded¬†to pout on the couch for a few minutes, puts in her IPhone headphones, then started¬†screaming¬†along to her music.

Finally, she apologized¬†and I managed to get her calmed down. At this point she started¬†trying to get things dirty-dirty, to which I’m thinking, “nope. not going to happen.” But then came the big equalizer: She offered¬†anal.

Even with¬†the promise of said anal, I could not¬†get over the overwhelming smell of zoo/farm animal that eviscerated the sanitation of the room the second¬†her shorts came off. I gagged. And that’s when I found Jesus.

The Truth

A girl I was dating in college wanted me to¬†come over to her apartment. I told her I couldn’t because I was busy watching the¬†Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Movie¬†with my roommates (which I was).

Blame It On The Sand

I was 15 at the beach for a week and a girl (16) I met earlier that week told me she wanted to¬†hang out on the beach that night. When I went to meet her, she had a blanket laid out and started kissing me and said she wanted her first time to be on the beach. She was like a five¬†or six¬†as far as attractiveness goes and I didn’t want my first time to be with her. I told her I didn’t have a condom and my dick was all sandy and it would hurt her. I do not regret turning her down.