It’s no secret people do some absolutely crazy sh*t to get off. Puberty is easily the worst time in your life sexually (unless you’re Anthony Kiedis), and the torturous pangs of a dissatisfied libido drive many to truly pathetic feats. From getting off right next to your parents (but not with them, obviously; that’s a matter for another list) to having intercourse with random objects (which, let’s be honest, some of you still do in adulthood, after the rise of the Tinders of the world, which have turned the world into a bacchanal buffet), you nasty and you know it (fap your hands).
The great part about this collection of pathetic masturbation stories is you can see yourself in each and every one of these people (maybe not literally). All of these pathetic weasel greasers and double clickers were in arguably the most relatable position of all time: horny, scared, and alone. Indeed, it’s (rock) hard to stop reading these stories once you get started, because you know the poetic anecdotes will make you feel better about yourself. To quote Alan Bennett’s play History Boys:
“The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – which you had thought special and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met, someone even who is long dead. And it is as if a [fapping] hand has come out and taken yours.”
Either that or this list will cause repressed memories from your most desperate, loin-searing hours to dramatically moisten your soul and ruin your day. Either way, these stories from a reddit thread asking “what is the most pathetic thing you’ve done because you were horny” should keep you on your toes. To paraphrase Julius Caesar,”You fapped, you came, you realized you made a terrible mistake.”
The weird part about these button stroking, missile choking stories (as if there’s only one weird part about them) is almost every single one of these people insist their mortifying self-appeasement episodes were written in the stars (or at least the reflection of stars in a condom-choked gutter). There was no way to avoid the touching and subsequent shame, no matter what stood in the way, regardless of who was in the room. The sense of urgency and manifest destiny when you’re that turned on destroys the rational part of your brain, and you become a creature of pure lust, chasing the orgasm dragon until satisfied.
Which begs the question, is there overlap between the philosophies of Buddhism stressing the obliteration of human consciousness and the mind-shattering realities of extreme, obsessive horniness? That part of the brain is weird and terrifying, but is probably one of the reasons, evolutionarily, humans took over the world. Surely the great non-human animal species of the world would all starve to death if they spent as much time figuring out how to bust the proverbial nut as humans do. Thank god for plebs. Were it not for farm hands, those rough-hewn, hay-loft-fornicating tillers of moist earth and spreaders of bountiful seed, you would have nothing to fuel your fiendish quest for a little death.
So read on with that in mind: Every one of these stories is exactly why we, as humans, took over planet earth.
Why Not Burn Your D*ck After Greasing it Up with Hand Sanitizer?
“I once masturbated with hand sanitizer. Those of you who have been in this position know this is already a bad idea. Being the pyromaniac I was at fourteen, I also knew that when lighting hand sanitizer on fire on your hand, it burned slowly and not as hot. So I was like ‘what the hell’ and found a lighter. Went at it until I was about to finish, and then lit my crotch ablaze. I was immediately in pain, flipping over in bed to put out my firey genitalia. I did not cum that night. And as a cherry on top, peeing the next day hurt like a motherf*cker because of the hani-sani. 0/10 do not recommend.”
Just Another Saturday Night: Naked, Alone, Using Your Own Piss as Lube
“I’m a ‘wet wank’ guy – can’t do it dry, ever, full-stop. One night I was alone in my dorm room and so damned horny… and I was out of lube. I look for lotion… none. Now I’m frantically doing the math in my head… toothpaste? Nah. Deodorant gel? Probably not a good idea. I know, I know… you’re thinking, why not just spit in your hand? Well, that’s a thing I can’t do… I hate spit. I HATE it. The smell of it, even the thought of it just makes me want to vomit. So that was out. Then it hit me… I’ll piss just a little in my hand and that’ll get me where I need to go.
So I did. And I used it to jerk for about a minute or two before I had a crushing realization that I was sitting in my dorm room, naked on the floor, with piss all over my hand and d*ck rubbing one out on a Saturday night. I think I died a little inside right there and then.”
Tripping the Switch on the Couch with Mom While Talking Sh*t on Courtney Love
“I used to masturbate while on the couch with people in the room. (I’m a girl and would put a blanket on my lap so it was really discreet). One time I remember watching that Soaked in Bleach documentary with my mom while doing it and I came with a groan and she was just like ‘I know, Courtney love pisses me off too.'”
Clean Your Veggies After You Plunge the Clunge with Them (Because Mom Gets Hungry)
“I masturbated with a cucumber when I was a teenager.
Washed it off, put it back in the fridge.
Mom ate it the next day.”
Y Tu Torta Tambien: Innocent Lunch Chef Dives Headfirst Into Man Mucus Pool
“Jerked off in my friend’s pool while he was inside making us sandwiches while we were 13. I finished as he came back outside and he dove head first into my floating cum.
Sandwiches were good. 8/10.”
Tripping Balls, Emptying Balls, Brawling with Campus Security
“There’s this guy who went to my brother’s school that was tripping on acid in the bathroom jacking off to porn on his phone, max volume with no headphones, while laying on the ground in the stall. It ended with security outside the stall trying to get him out and he yelled ‘I’m not getting out until I finish.’ I feel like he deserved a standing applause as he was escorted out.”
An Insatiable P*ssy Will Lie to Get What It Wants When Your Vibrator Batteries Die
“I was so horny I could barely function. I had bought a vibrator but I was still at that age where my parents would flip if they found it. I ran out of batteries and there was no way I could get any without being suspicious so I look around the room till I find something phallic shaped https://imgur.com/Bkrd4Do this perfume was all I could find. My mind said ‘no that lid is removable’ but my p*ssy said ‘naaah dont worry it’ll be fine’ and guess what… my p*ssy was WRONG.”
Grandma Got an Earful of Precious Baby’s Backseat Fap Fest
“Jerked in the backseat of the car my grandparents were driving. I was like 14 or 15 super horny, I highly doubt they didn’t know.
My grandparents are both dead now so they at least never mentioned it.”
When the Fruit Is Gone, Fill the Banana Peel with Brotassium
“Ate a banana. Microwaved the banana peel. F*cked the microwaved banana peel.
14 year old me quickly learned not to stick his *ck in microwaved banana peels fresh out of the microwave. That, however, didn’t stop me from trying to f*ck a jar of peanut butter two days later.
14 year old me was a dumbass.”
Can’t Handle the SAT? At Least Handle Yourself
“I masturbated under the table during the SAT after I gave up on a section I couldn’t handle.”
Timing Your Artillery Rounds to the Bangs of Fellow Seamen to Avoid Enemy Detection
“I’ve been in the Navy for 9.5 years. You’ve never known shameless shame until you’ve jerked your dick at three in the morning because the guy sleeping next to you, separated by a millimeter of metal is doing the same, because you felt that it lowered your chances of getting caught.”
A Libertine for the Ages Cranks Out a Yogurt Shot Beside a Friend After Seeing Sister Tit
“Not a proud moment in my life, but at a sleepover when I was 13 I saw my friend’s older sister’s tit as she walked down the hall with her robe half open. Had to pound one out while my friend slept in right next to me (same bed). Looking back on it, I don’t think he was asleep but rather awake and paralyzed at the fact that his friend was jacking it so close to him. Had to be done tho that titty was niiiiiice.”
When You Fail at Life and Don’t Realize You’re Jerking to the Holocaust
“When I was a kid I was pretty hard up for pornography (pre-Internet days). I did have one book my parents had though that had pictures of naked people in [it]. At the time I didn’t understand what I was looking at, but years later I realized they were photos taken by the Nazis of Jews during the Holocaust. As a child I masturbated to the Holocaust.”
NOTE: The original comment has been deleted, but, as you can tell by the overwhelmingly tasteful comments, it existed at some point in time.
A Plug-in Vibrator Blows a Foreign Fuse When Muffin Buffin’ Abroad Goes Wrong
“In my sophomore year of college, the batteries in my vibrator ran out at a really inopportune time. I put on some pajamas, walked down the hall, and checked in our communal TV’s remote for an exchange.
This became somewhat of a tradition, culminating in the realization that I needed to buy my own batteries when I found myself doing it in somebody else’s dorm.
When I graduated to plug-in vibrators I forgot to account for wattage changes when going abroad and blew out the fuse of my apartment as a first introduction to all of my roommates.”
Necessity Is the Mother of Accidentally Making Prison Sex Toys
“I engineered a fleshlight out of a towel, rubber band, rubber glove and hand lotion which I then taped to the computer desk and f*cked. I was home alone and 14.
EDIT: TIL I invented the Fifi.”
Cthulu Rises Seeks Comfort in Tentacles, Finds No Relief in Calamari-on-D Contact
“I jerked off with a big handful of calamari. I was really drunk and thought the rubbery tentacles would feel good. I wasn’t totally wrong. I was 23…”
Peripheral Bro Supplies Viagra and School Gets a Lot Harder
“Reading some of this just reminded me of something. In high school I was really tired one day, talking to one of my buddies, not like a real close friend but more of a peripheral bro, and I was talking about how tired I was because it was early in the morning. He said he had some NoDoz (caffeine pills) and asked if I wanted some, I said sure, so I took two NoDoz that he gave me. Then he started busting up laughing, and I didn’t get the joke. ‘What’s so funny?’ I ask, and he showed me the bottle, it was actually his father’s [prescription] viagra.
So everyone in the group was laughing their asses off because I just took 2 viagra.
Then word started spreading around school how I had taken the viagra, and everyone seemed to be giving me funny smirks and weird looks.
I don’t really know how viagra is specifically supposed to work, so this might be a plecebo thing, but an hour or so later I had an uncontrollable rock hard erection and had to go to the bathroom to jerk off. I came out of there and there was a bunch of people waiting for me and they all started laughing.
I gotta say, it was pretty f*cking funny.
Edit: tl:dr dude slipped me viagra, as a result I jerked off in bathroom at school.”
Ignore the Nubile Hookers in the Hotel Lobby Lest You Make Yourself Late for a Meeting
“I was on a business trip to a meeting. My hotel room was in the same building where the meeting was supposed to be held. This hotel is a 5 star hotel and was known to be high-class-big-tits-big- ass-prostitutes-friendly. The shapes of the women that were flowing in and out of that building was so $#**$” that when I was on my way to the meeting passing that lobby, I decided to go back to my room to jerk myself off quickly or I will f*ck someone in the meeting.
I went up the elevator and it stopped suddenly between two floors. Technical failure. I was late to the meeting by half an hour, afraid and horny.”
Dad Did Zero to 60, You Did Flaccid to Red-Faced and J*zz Caked
“I once masturbated in the back seat of my parent’s van while my dad drove. I was probably 12 or 13, in the far back (2 seats behind him) with nobody else in the van, but looking back on it he’d have to be pretty oblivious to not know…
Addition: I also jerked off in the doctors office between when the nurse checked me into the exam room and when the doctor actually showed up. Race against time was actually kinda exciting. Deposited my future children right in the corner of the room.”
Put a Condom on Anything with a Hole in It (It’s Like Drunk Hate F*cking a Stranger)
“I put a condom on a wooden towel holder and f*cked it. Then I gave that wooden towel holder to my friend when I moved away. Long distance relationships are hard.”
Saucing the Taco with Fresh Blood Because Vibrators Don’t Mix Well with a Rough Shave
“Masturbated until bloody. Turns out when you shave your pubes and then use an industrial vibrator, the tiny little hairs growing back basically operate like sandpaper. Looked down, saw a bloody vibrator. It was scary but I decided to finish anyway.”
Stuck in a Car Wash? Buff Your Van and Yourself at the Same Time with Pornhub
“Pulled up Pornhub and vigorously rubbed one out over the course of an ultra supreme rainx car wash once.”
When this person was asked about cameras, they responded:
“As many of you have talked about cameras… I’ve always wondered…. But didn’t really care… Got off with just enough time. Slow day at work, took the work van in for a wash. Had a… Got off, don’t care attitude. Thanks for the karma!”
Art Lives in the Soul and Sates the Pole
(Sketchy Chatline + Junkie) Bitchy Daughter ^ Impending Yard Sale = Better Off Alone
“Called one of those late night chat lines. Met up with this 47-year-old chick at like 5:00 in the morning. She was a heroin addict. Helped her move a bunch of sh*t on her lawn for a yard sale, presumably to get money for more drugs. Felt her boobs and made out with her a little. Her daughter came downstairs and they got in an argument, calling each other c*nts. She asked me to go upstairs but I politely declined. I left after that. Don’t make that call.”