Sex can be a confusing adventure, and so it’s reasonable that newbies or those looking to spice up their love life would look to mainstream magazines for inspiration. Unfortunately for these people, magazines need to continually come up with new gimmicks to make sure they’re not putting out the same advice every month- which leads to a whole lot of misguided and impractical sex tips. These tips hail from very reputable sources, such as Cosmopolitan. You’ll also see some tips from international magazines (what the hell is a ‘chap’ and an ‘ice-lolly’?) and Men’s Health, which proves that both men and Europeans are getting just as backwards advice as American women.
Why do people still think it’s sexy to incorporate food in sex? At best it’ll mess your sheets up, at worst you get a bacterial infection. Do you think the people who wrote these have actually had sex before? Would you actually try any of these tips? Which ones seem the most misguided? Let us know which tip is the most outrageous by voting on which one you could never, ever try to pull off, even with Upton or Gosling.
Wear a leather belt around your naked waist during doggy-style. He can pull on it to create more bounce.
While he’s kissing you, suck on his tongue seductively, imitating what you do to his penis.
Ask him over for dessert. Lie naked with a few pieces of chocolate on you that he can nibble off.
Hold some sparkling water in your mouth while giving him oral. The bubbles plus warmth will make him quiver.
Cook dinner topless, put a little tomato sauce on your nipple, and ask him to lick it off.
If you have a roommate, rent a horror movie and play it while you’re having sex. If they hear any screams, they’ll assume it’s the movie.
Walk – No, haul ass, over to the kitchen supply aisle, and purchase a silicone pastry brush for him to stroke over your breasts and clitoris.
Get him to put a condom on a ice-lolly and slide it in and out of you.
Lightly wrap a cheap beaded necklace around his package, and then move it back and forth.
Place one hand at the base of his shaft, and twist the tip with the other — like you’re opening a jar.
Move his penis around like a joystick – up and down, side to side, and in a circle.
Gently stick his penis through the hole of a doughnut, then nibble around it, stopping to suck once in a while. The sugary texture will add an interesting new dimension.
Jiggle his balls back and forth as if you’re shaking dice in a cup.
Make a bedroom burrito. While you’re rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can’t do anything with her arms (think burrito or straitjacket).
Tie his silky tie loosely around his penis, then roll it up and down for a silky handjob.
Gently stick your thumb in his back door during climax. It’s a great surprise that most men like.
Pop your chap into a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Women love chocolate.
Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.
Instruct him to wrap your chest and torso in plastic wrap and touch you through it. The muted sensation feels amazeballs.
Pretend to be a lesbian.
Wrap pearls around your penis.
Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… You can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball, and lightly pinch the shaft and testicles.
Use the shampoo that was popular when you were in middle school. This will remind him of the girls he wanked to when he was a teenager.
Give him a hand job with a grape between each finger.
Tie a scrunchie around his penis.
Let him run an electric toothbrush between your toes mid-foreplay. He shouldn’t stop no matter how much you squirm.
Go down on her, with any kind of food.
Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible.
Press a fork into his body.
Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.