Dirty Adult Jokes That Will Get You a Laugh on Demand

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep sh*t.

The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?” The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”

“You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

“Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”

He only comes once a year.

After five years, your job will still suck.

Once you open it, you realize it’s half-empty.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

Hold onto your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.

Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

… and I met a girl who was dressed like an egg. One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered: it was the chicken.

One turned to the other and said, “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there!”

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it comes from.

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

The doctor says “Wow, how do your pants fit?”

He replies, “Like a glove.”

They’re used to eating nuts.

Beef strokin’ off.

A man will actually search for a golf ball.