The jokes and music puns on this list are not only funny, but they’re mostly true or at least come from a place of truth (we don’t really want to run over any conductors). Guitarists tend to think they’re the coolest guys in any room, drummers aren’t known to be card-carrying members of Mensa, and no one likes a conductor (maybe it’s their bossiness, maybe it’s their weird hand gestures). Musicians are a rare breed and no matter which instruments they play, they’re perfectly suited to be the butts of jokes. Whether you’re a musician or not, we’re sure you’ll enjoy the music humor on this list.
We don’t want to toot our own horn, but we’ve been known to tickle the ivories every once in a while. And despite any generalizations about musicians, we’re totally normal members of society with real jobs and friends. What do you think we are, trombone players? We’ve hardly scratched the surface of jokes about musicians on this list. How can we truthfully say we’ve collected them all when a new bass player is born every day? Tune up your gitfiddles and plug in your amps, this list of the funniest music jokes is gonna rock your socks off!
Vote up your favorite jokes about musicians, and if you’ve got a musical joke you think we haven’t heard before, then go ahead and shred it out in the comments!
Q: What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?
A: He decomposes.
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A Flat Major
Q: Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
A: Because they always ran around going “Bach! Bach! Bach!”
Q: Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
A: He was playing by ear
Q: Why was the piano player arrested?
A: Because he got into treble with the cops
Q: What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A: A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four
Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
Q: Why are pirates great singers?
A: They can hit the high C’s!
Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won’t blow away?
A: Root position cords.
Q: How do you get a cello player to play in tune?
A: Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.
Q: Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
A: In the piano!
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
A: Fo Drizzle!
Q: What concert costs 45 cents?
A: 50 cent featuring Nickelback
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: Why did Lil Wayne go to the Doctor?
A: He was feeling a Lil Weezy
Q: How do you make a musician’s car more aerodynamic?
A: Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof
Q: What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
A: “Would you like fries with that?”
Q: What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it
Q: How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say “I don’t know, what do you think?”
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds
Q: What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?
Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?
A: Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out
Q: What happens when you play “the blues” backwards?
A: Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.
Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?
A: A Flat Miner
Q: What’s the difference between a piano and a tuna?
A: You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed
Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer
Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Q: How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?
A: Start with two million.
Q: What’s the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?
A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.
Q: How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
Q: What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: Why did Bach have so many children?
A: He did not have a stop on his organ.
Q: How do you tell you’re kissing a french horn player?
A: He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.
Q: What makes music on your hair?
A: A head band!
Q: Why did the singer climb a ladder?
A: She wanted to reach the high notes!
Q: What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?
A: A Moo-sician!
Q: Why is slippery ice like music?
A: If you don’t C sharp – you’ll B flat!
Q: What message did Bach have on his answering machine?
A: “This phone is baroque, please call Bach later.”
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach in the saddle again.
Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn’t even leave a note.
Q: How can you tell is a singer is at your door?
A: They can’t find the key, and they never know when to come in.
Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar. “Sorry,” the barman said, “We don’t serve minors.”
Q: How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
A: With a Tuba glue.
Q: What’s the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing in unison.
Q: How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
A: Sell it and buy a violin
Q: What does new age music sound like played backwards?
A: New age music.
Q: How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
A: You Poke her face.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
A: Kitty Perry
Q: What’s the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn’t!
Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
A: A natural major.