The Best Harry Potter Jokes

If you’re feeling down, and need a spell of laughter cast on you, look no further than this list of short Harry Potter jokes to lift your spirits higher than a golden snitch. All the usual wizarding world punch lines are here, muggles, Hufflepuffs, and the Weasleys. And before you can say “Accio joke book,” never fear, there are so many jokes on this list of Harry Potter one liners that you’ll be in stitches longer than it’s taken JK to write a follow up to everyone’s favorite series about the boy who lived. If you get bored with this list of funny Harry Potter puns (now why would you do that?), try translating the jokes into parselmouth, everyone would definitely think you very cool and not weird at all. We all know the best way to combat He Who Shall Not Be Named is with laughter, so put on your invisibility cloak and start learning these jokes. You never know when you’ll find yourself at a wizard convention fending off a pasty faced, no nosed, creep. So when you find yourself trapped under your uncle’s stairs and need something to do, why not check out our list of the funniest Harry Potter jokes? What else do you have to do? And don’t say practice quidditch, we’ve seen you fly, and you should just give it up.

Take a break from practicing your patronus spell to vote on your favorite Harry Potter joke. And if you’re still scratching your head at this list, you just might be a muggle.

Q: What do you call a gardener that has a beard?
A: Hairy Potter.

Q: Which Hogwarts professor gets blamed for everything?
A: Professor Snape Goat.

Q: How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None – wizards don’t use electricity!

Q: Why wouldn’t Ron’s car move?
A: It got stuck in a quid-ditch

Q: What does Aragog do on his day off?
A: He goes fly fishing.

Q: How many wizards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the room.

Q: How many Hufflepuffs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them

Q: Why did the Dark Lord cross the road?
A: Because Potter couldn’t stop him

Q: Why did Trevor cross the road?
A: To get away from Long Bottom

Q: How did Aragog get in touch with other spiders?
A: The world wide WEB

Q: Why was Draco’s shirt covered with dirt?
A: He spent the day Slytherin

Q. Why did the quidditch player travel on a broom?
A. He didn’t have a vacuum cleaner

Q: Why did Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road?
A: So you won’t know which side he’s on.

Q: What did Harry Potter say when Hermione didn’t his knock knock joke?
A: There must be some thing RON with you!

Q: Why do you call it when a wand goes missing at Hogwarts?
A: A Hogwarts Mystery!

Q: Why doesn’t Voldemort have glasses?
A: Nobody nose.

Q: How does Harry Potter get rid of a skin rash?
A: With quit-itch.

Q: How do you know if someone at Hogwarts is a pureblood?
A: Don’t worry they’ll let you know.

Q: What did the clown say to Harry Potter when he wouldn’t smile?
A: Why so Sirius?

Q: What did Ron Weasley say when Harry found his missing wand?
A: That’s wanderful!

Q: Why does Voldemort use Twitter instead of Facebook?
A: Because he only has followers, not friends

Q: Why didn’t the professors like having Fred and George Weasley at Hogwarts?
A: They never knew which witch was which.

Q. What happened to the sorcerer with an upside-down nose?
A. Every time he sneezed his hat blew off.

Q: What’s the first thing wizards do in the morning?
A: They wake up.

Q: What did the Golden Snitch say when Harry Potter was itchy?
A: Quidditching!

Q: How do Death Eaters freshen their breath?
A: With Dementos.

Q: What do you call a Potterhead on a horse?
A: Harry Trotter.

Q: What is Sasquatch’s favorite book?
A: Hairy Potter.

Snape: Look out, Lord Voldemort’s coming!
Dumbledore: Are you serious?
Snape: No… I’m Severus.

Q: How do Hogwarts students go on field trips?
A: They take the albus

Q: What do Hogwarts students do to pass the time?
A: Try to solve their Rubeus cubes.

Q: What do Ravenclaw’s wear on their feet?
A: Terry Boots.

Q: What’s the best thing to use to catch fish at Hogwarts pond?
A: A Griphook.

Q: What did Harry Potter wear when his hair fell out?
A: A Hedwig.

Q: What should you do if you have question about jail?
A: Azkaban