We’ve all seen a brawl on the streets, but have you ever seen real life superheroes take up arms in broad daylight? These fights look like the kind you’d see between two drunks, only they take place between people in costume. Watch in amazement as the worlds of Marvel and D.C. Comics collide in a crash of girl slaps and home-made capes. These fights are an amazing collection of the greatest real-life superhero brawls ever reported or caught on tape.
Before we begin, this is a public service announcement for aspiring superheroes everywhere: donning a costume may, or may not, provide you with superhuman powers, but do not count on it. You may become a target for the ire of others, including arch enemies in the real world, where the alien humans may possess their own abilities… such as use of a knife or gun. Be warned!
Superhero Attacked by Civilian
People who live in Seattle have their very own superhero protecting them. ‘Phoenix Jones’ is a masked crusader who helps to fight crime anywhere he can in the city. One of his heroic accomplishments was reporting a possible drunk driver to the police.
Unfortunately, in January of 2011, Phoenix Jones became a victim himself. What civilian would ever attack a superhero? Well apparently one that loves crime.
Jones was apparently trying to break up a brawl when one of the brawlers “turned on him” which I guess… is weird… for a brawler?
Jones was thrown to the ground, held down (at gunpoint!) and then repeatedly kicked.
He suffered a broken nose and, probably, a seriously bruised super-ego, but was otherwise okay.
Jones says he’s going to continue his superhero efforts in the city, saying, “I train for these situations, I don’t just come out willy nilly and run on the streets!”
So sleep safe, Seattle. You’re in capable hands. Capable, masked, “I can’t tie my shoes in these gloves” hands.
Batman Slapped in Vegas
In May of 2011, a video surfaced of The Dark Knight getting assaulted by a man on the street. This video of Batman getting slapped could only have happened in Las Vegas; where absolutely nothing is sacred.
Doesn’t this guy know that this is Batman: one of the world’s greatest superheroes of all time? Well apparently, what happens in Gotham stays in Gotham. *Dodges a thrown fruit* I’ll be here all week.
So here’s how it goes down.
Batman attempts to lead off the epic showdown by slapping his opponent, without using anything from his utility belt. Just like the real Batman. A slap. No fists. Like a middle school girl who’s angry at another, slightly skinnier, middle school girl. And a lot of posing, because nothing’s more important than looking cool when you’re getting your ass kicked.
And then, some more slapping.
This goes very bad very quickly (body-slamming is involved) and the Cape Crusader is eventually left sprawled out on the pavement, not having used a single one of his fighting skills. Maybe he was just holding back, like Superman always does, just so he wouldn’t kill the other guy?
Yes. This is most likely what happened
Shadow Hare Wounded While Protecting Cincinnati
Shadow Hare walks the streets of Cincinnati to try and stop crime and clean up the city. This caped crusader, a member of the so-called “Allegiance of Heroes,” has risked his life more than once to help the citizens of Cincy.
Shadow Hare says that in 2007 he was injured as he tried to help a woman who was being robbed.
He suffered a dislocated shoulder.
Thankfully, this real-life superhero recovered. He went on to roam the city for several more years, armed with his weapons of choice: tasers, handcuffs, and pepper spray, hoping to keep everyone safe using the tools a mall cop uses, only with less visibility and a heavier uniform.
Where is Shadow Hare today?
Cincinnati media haven’t reported any Shadow Hare sightings in quite a while – but WLWT-TV reports that he’s joined forces with the U.S. Military. Thank God.
Spider-Man, Captain America and Poison Ivy Brawl
A massive brawl involving not one, not two, but THREE superheroes went down in Stamford, Connecticut, on Halloween, 2010. This is important.
This brawl involved: Spider-Man, Captain America, and Poison Ivy. And no, this isn’t a grossly inaccurate porn parody. This actually happened.
The epic battle went down in a parking garage in Stamford. Because really, that’s where these events really belong. Just like the end of an action movie needs to take place at an abandoned warehouse, this is where these superhero fights all need to happen: random parking lots.
Here’s what happened, according to police: Spider-Man’s dad pissed off Captain America, who started beating the dad.
Always the protector, Spidey jumped in to try and save his father from the attack, and Poison Ivy helped him (although I’m pretty sure she didn’t use her lips, like usual). All three superheroes were arrested and taken to human jail, facing assault charges. Cause really, when you get down to it, none of these people really needed to hit one another.
Batman vs. Captain Jack Sparrow
Once again, it’s Batman and Spider-Man chasing out the bad guys (and fellow costumed peddlers) of Hollywood Boulevard in a superhero team-up.
In this real-life superhero brawl, the caped crusader and the webbed criminal catcher come after none other than Captain Jack Sparrow! No, this isn’t playtime at recess with your one friend that didn’t get the “cool” toy, this is Hollywood Blvd again. Ah, The Walk of Fame, where all magic happens (and homeless people dress like people at comic book conventions for money).
In this clip, we have Captain Jack Sparrow running away from Batman because it looks like Sparrow either stole some of Batman’s tips, or maybe he took some of his “customers” away. One of the Three Musketeers intervenes in the fight and keeps it from getting ugly (well, too ugly). Batman takes what is most likely the Musketeer’s sword and starts threatening Sparrow with it.
Lots of name calling happens and Batman’s best friend, Spider-Man tries to calm him down.
But there’s no calming down Batman. We should know this by now. He’s been through a lot.