The Best Dog Jokes

Everyone knows that are a man’s (and woman’s!) best friend. But did you know that are also the little fuzzies in the animal kingdom? If you didn’t, you’ve obviously never spent a minute with a cute little puppy bark and bite – because they’re total goofs. One might say that are not only our best friends, but that they’re the comedians of the animal world. So anyway, here are the about dogs. They’re good about dogs and puppies. We promise.

1. The Woman with a Husband that Thinks He’s a Dog

A woman walks into a psychoanalyst’s office and says, “doctor, my husband thinks he’s a dog! I don’t know what to do! Please help.”

The doctor replies,  “Okay, have him get on the couch.”

The woman quickly snapped back, “Wait, no, he’s not allowed on the couch!”

(via bradminister)

2. The Trouble of Flying your Dog

A woman called an airline 
customer-service desk asking if  it was possible to fly with her dog on board. 

“Sure,” the airline agent said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”

She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was perplexed: 
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”


3. King of the Jungle: Dog vs. Lion 

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, “This guy looks edible, i’ve never seen his kind before.”

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic, but as he’s about to run, he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly, “Mmm…that was some good lion meat!”

The lion abruptly stops and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can.” Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened. The lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together.” And they start rushing back to the dog.

The dog sees them and realized what happened, starting to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts,

“Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

(via reddit user shotuken)

 4. The Collie-flower

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As I was walking down the street the other day, I saw my neighbor pulling a leash with a piece of Cabbage on the end. I asked him “why are you pulling along a lead with a Cabbage on the end?”

He Replied: “Oh no, the man who sold it to me said it was a Collie!!”

5. Three Dogs and a Beautiful Poodle

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”  She replies, “Oh, how childish, that shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and he blurts, “Uhhh…I HATE liver and cheese.” 

“I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s line,” said the Poodle. 

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three was a tiny little chihuahua. The chihuahua gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”

(via reddit user xSavageLlamax)

6. Two Men are Walking their Dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua)

They’re getting hungry and decided to grab a bite at a nearby restaurant. At the entrance of the door, a large sign reads: “NO DOGS ALLOWED”.

The man with the doberman says, “I know what to do, just follow my lead.” He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in. The waiter points to the sign and says “I’m sorry sir, dogs are allowed.” The man replies, “Oh, i’m blind and this is my guide dog.”

“A doberman for a guide dog?” The suspicious waiter asks.

“Yes, Dobermans are very loyal and protective. They’re born for the job” replied the man. The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.

The second man throws on his sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.” The man says “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”

“A chihuahua for a guide dog?” The annoyed waiter asks.

“A chihuahua?” The man asks. “They gave me a chihuahua?!”

(via reddit user primetime22)

7. The Most Useful Dog

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On a bright and early Sunday morning, my wife said to me, “Our dog is so smart!. He’ll bring in the daily newspapers every single morning.”

I reply, “It’s not that special. Many dogs do the same.”

My wife responded, “But we aren’t subscribed to any newspapers!”

8. The ‘Genius’ Dog

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!” The owner responds, “Genius, my ass… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!” 

(via reddit user NeetStreet_)

9. The Big Bulldog

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I man walks into an animal hospital with his Bulldog and says “My dog is cross-eyed, can you fix it?”

The vet replies, “Let’s have a look at whats wrong.” The vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. After thoroughly inspecting the dog for a few minutes, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What?! You’re going to put him down because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he is really, really heavy.”

10. Difference Between a Cat and Dog

A woman lives with both a cat and dog. Everyday she’ll feed them, clean up after them and provide plenty of love and attention.

The dog is very grateful. As the owner approaches the dog and fills his bowl with kibbles, the dog thinks ” Wow, you do all this for me, everyday. You must be god.”

The owner then walks over to the cat and gives her daily food. The cat thinks to herself, ” Wow, you do all this for me, everyday. I must be god.”