The Funniest Sex Scenes In Film And TV History

Sex on screen need not always be serious. As porn parodies have demonstrated, cinematic sex (like plain old non-cinematic sex) can be HYSTERICAL. Sometimes it requires the perfect prop (American Pie), a spirited rider (Showgirls), or a complete lack of any irony whatsoever (every single naked second in THE ROOM).

Don’t let¬†the shoddy camerawork of the Kardashian and Hilton sex tapes fool you, even filming the most mundane of sex scenes takes timing, patience,¬†skill,¬†or the right prosthetic private parts. None of which stopped these filmmakers and performers from finding comic gold in the most unexpected of intimate places. Rather than the typical¬†moments of emotional¬†lovemaking on screen, these scenes are incredibly hilarious.

Warning: though the pictures below are safe for work, some of the links are most definitely¬†NSFW.¬† Proceed with caution ‚Ästor¬†put on some headphones, at least ‚Äď and vote up your favorite sex scenes from¬†the screens, both big and small.

 

Given that¬†Nomi (Elizabeth Berkeley) is a dancer and¬†not a stripper (as she repeatedly exclaims),¬†it wouldn’t be surprising if¬†she rode¬†Kyle MacLachlan’s Zack like she’s in¬†Flashdance¬†(the dancing scenes and¬†not the stripping or welding parts).

Instead,¬†their notorious whirl in the pool feels like Nomi’s on a wild stallion¬†just trying to hold on for seven seconds before getting kicked off. Meanwhile, Zack pretty much sits there doing nothing.

It’s amazing that MacLachlan was able to walk or stand upright after filming this scene, especially if they did more than one take. It’s also amazing¬†anyone found¬†work after this .

As NSFW clips go, the climactic orgy of Sausage Party might be the raunchiest of all, despite having zero human nudity. Proceed with caution and get ready to swear off sausage, bagels, tacos, and hot dog buns forever.

(It’s also as hysterical as it is filthy.)

Here.

It.

Is.

There’s so much hysterical filthiness to this scene, it’s hard to¬†know where to begin. After repeatedly saying no to her boyfriend’s advances, Cindy (Anna Farris) finally demurs and lets him take away her V-card.

Cindy’s underwear is removed, revealing a family of bats living in the previously untouched darkness,¬†along with a shrubbery that needs some dramatic trimming. Once Cindy gets on top, in a¬†star-making moment for Anna Farris,¬†she screams¬†“WHAT’S MY NAME!” while smacking her hapless boyfriend as¬†he launches¬†her with a super-human orgasm.

Watch for yourself.

Avatar’s¬†original release only hinted at the intricacies required in Na’avi lovemaking. Once the special edition arrived, then,¬†and only then,¬†we got the money shot: as Jake and Neytiri begin the ceremonial groping,¬†their TALES LOCK. It may be two CGI characters that look like Shrek’s cousins, but this moment of sexual healing still feels unholy, even in¬†the script.

“The tendrils INTERTWINE¬†with gentle undulations. Jake rocks with the direct contact between his nervous system and hers.¬†The ultimate intimacy.

It’s a wonder that¬†Fabio and his heaving chest¬†weren’t printed on the screenplay’s cover.

The scene between Jim (Jason Biggs) and the hot apple pie might have gotten all the glory, but his sexual encounter with exchange student Nadia is far dirtier and more nudity-laden fun.

After watching her self-pleasure on a webcam, Jim tries to get in on the action resulting in a baseball rarity: a double header in which both games are called early due to unexpected showers. (For the baseball impaired, he ejaculated prematurely TWICE).

At least no one¬†else saw¬†Jim’s faux pas…¬†except for the entire school which watched¬†along on their computers.

Sex Education in most schools is taught by a 70-year-old science teacher, but if sex ed was more like Monty Python, all of us would have happily re-taken the sixth grade.

In an effort to teach his (remarkably old-looking) pupils about the birds and the bees,¬†John Cleese brings in his wife for history’s least passionate love-making presentation. Even with in-class¬†nudity and sexual acts, the students could not be any more bored.

As handsome as he may be, Jon Hamm’s Ted in¬†Bridesmaids¬†is not the cocksman one would assume.¬†Despite¬†trying¬†every angle in the¬†Kama Sutra, he provides Kristen Wiig’s¬†Annie¬†with zero¬†sexual pleasure¬†and a pair of very sore, over-worked boobs.

In the process, Wiig warns every heterosexual woman in the world to be careful what you wish for.

Ever wonder what it’s like when gymnasts do IT? Well, wonder no more, thanks to the incredibly raunchy, sophomoric comedy¬†The Bronze. The Winter Soldier himself (Sebastian Stan) and¬†The Big Bang Theory‘s¬†Melissa Rauch¬†‚Ästwell technically her well-endowed body double (sorry, Rauch¬†Hunters) ‚Ästturn lovemaking into¬†Mary Lou Retton¬†porn.

Melissa Rauch, who co-wrote the script, even got to pick her more naked half.  From Vulture:

“She selected as her body double a Cirque du Soleil dancer who had no hang-ups about the scene‚Äôs wild stunts (or nudity)…

‘I remember staring at her like a creepy old dude,’¬†laughed Rauch, ‘wishing that she could body-double for me in every moment of life. At one point, I was like, ‚ÄėDo you want a robe?‚Äô and she said, ‚ÄėI‚Äôm good, you‚Äôre gonna see everything anyway.‚Äô And she was literally sitting there legs open, eating a sandwich.‚ÄĚ

Who knew¬†gymnastic terms so ably described sexy¬†time as well: “Tucks,” “full-in,”
back outs,” “dismounts,”¬†and, of course, “release.”

All of which are on display right here (NSFW).

Few things are funnier than R-rated puppet sex.

Exhibit A: ¬†Anomalisa‘s¬†delicate and¬†tender stop motion¬†lovemaking.

Exhibit B:  Muppet-like puppets musically getting it on in Avenue Q.

Exhibit C:  Team America: World Police.

What makes the South Park masterminds’ puppet penetration that much more hysterical?¬†It starts out like an overly ambient¬†love scene from¬†Top Gun¬†before quickly turning into a down and dirty porn-inspired¬†romp from¬†Top Guns.

Greg Marmalard might be the President of Omega House and Dean Wormer’s right hand man, but when Babs and Mandy’s hands are on his “Omega,” he’s far from Presidential.

In the two least sexy HJ moments ever captured on celluloid, neither Mandy nor¬†Babs can provide the tightly-wound Greg any release.¬†An annoyed Mandy even screams, “If you’re not going to even try, I’m going to stop!” just before removing her rubber gloves.

Fortunately for her, Mandy will one day become betrothed to John Belushi’s Bluto¬†after he basically kidnaps her.¬†Every. Woman’s. Dream.

If¬†Sausage Party¬†turned you off hot dogs, buns, and tacos, then¬†Br√ľno‘s sex montage¬†might make you avoid¬†dust busters, exercise bikes, fire extinguishers, and champagne.

Somehow, this scene makes the naked wrestling in Borat feel tame by comparison.

Ah, a boy’s first time.

Years of buildup, planning and praying for something that lasts¬†“only for a moment, then the moment’s gone.”¬†Unless you’re the Original Gangsta¬†McLovin’, whose split second of bliss is quickly interrupted¬†by police officers, as played by Seth Rogen and Bill Hader.

Though his unbridled shock¬†when doing the deed¬†(“IT’S IN!”) reveals that one second in heaven was plenty for McLovin’… though, not so much¬†for his unsatisfied lady friend.

Phoebe Cates’ topless scene in¬†Fast Times at Ridgemont High¬†gets all the glory, however, aside¬†for Judge Reinhold literally getting caught with his pants down, there aren’t¬†many laughs to be had.

A far funnier moment occurs when Stacy (Jennifer Jason Leigh) and Mike¬†have cinema’s most literal “quicky.”¬†Within¬†one line of Jackson Browne’s¬†Somebody’s Baby,¬†Mike starts, finishes,¬†and, as a bonus, impregnates¬†Stacy.

In the gloriously absurdist TV sequel¬†Wet Hot American Summer: 10 Years Later,¬†Ken Marino’s Victor finally loses his much-lied-about virginity with¬†Lake Bell’s Donna, though she’s much less interested in his appendage than¬†his seed.

Things take a weirder turn when Victor and her husband Yaron (who’s assisting said act) bust out the lifelike humans masks for all to wear.¬†Ken begs to be spared from this sexual nightmare but, like a brave soldier, he gyrates on and impregnates the damsel in reproductive distress.

Afterwards, he proudly reveals that his now broken-in¬†member looks¬†like it “got run over by a truck.” Mazol¬†tov, Victor.

There’s so much to love and despise about¬†The Room, especially when an au natural Tommy Wiseau goes at Lisa with the romance and grace of a rabid feral cat humping a mailbox.¬†For years, audiences have debated:¬†“Is he doing it with her belly button?”¬†Watch for yourself and decide, if you dare.

Note: this is only one of FOUR unnecessary and unwatchable sex scenes in The Room.

The Tall Guy, a¬†little-seen (but hysterical)¬†British comedy, features a surprisingly nimble Jeff Goldblum¬†and¬†Emma Thompson destroying an entire flat during a hysterical¬†lovemaking scene. Ms Thompson’s tush even lands in a sandwich at one point.¬†From¬†EW.com’s very thorough review:

“Dexter and Kate‚Äôs first date ends with what may be the most painful-looking sex scene ever filmed, a room-destroying romp that involves the acrobatic lovers crashing into every available surface.¬†If anything, the scene was probably less embarrassing for the characters than for Goldblum and Thompson, who never did anything this racy before and haven‚Äôt since.”

You can watch the VERY NSFW action here. Suffice it to say, the actors are a long way from Brundlefly and Sense and Sensibility.  

After talking up the romance of the Jersey shore, the gang discovers the real New Jersey: a place filled with used syringes, homeless dogs, and nasty dirty sex.

The¬†clip’s name on YouTube says it all: “the group runs into 2 homeless guys banging.”¬†Danny DeVito’s¬†naked, birth-like¬†escape¬†from a couch might be funnier and sexier, but it’s not technically a sex scene, so tie goes to the homeless guys.

Some people can’t take their mind off work¬†in moments of intimacy with their partner. Faye Dunaway’s¬†news exec Diana takes it one step further,¬†talking non-stop¬†about work during her “quicky” with fellow employee¬†William Holden. It’s as if the news is her foreplay and vibrator all rolled in one.

Though, Diana’s all too aware of her lack of talent in the bedroom.

“I can’t tell you how many men have told me what a lousy lay I am. I apparently have a masculine temperament. I arouse quickly, consummate prematurely, and can’t wait to get my clothes back on and get out of that bedroom. ”

This is a good example of a¬†sex scene¬†that didn’t mean to be funny, and is all the more hysterical for it. The plot: Stallone’s good at blowing¬†up things.

Eventually, Stone and Stallone (character names truly not necessary) finally act on their carnal desires in¬†The Specialist, resulting in a¬†sex scene that feels like the two weren’t¬†even acting in the same room. Their posing and preening gives the impression they were in two separate¬†body-building competitions that just happened to be in the same shower.

As askmen.com so aptly described:

“For some reason the camera lingers for what feels like¬†an eternity on Stallone‚Äôs bare ass and overly sculpted muscular back as he gropes and fondles the barely present Stone. According to interviews following the films release, Stone had to get drunk before shooting this sex scene and honestly‚Ķ wouldn‚Äôt you?”

Similar to the mechanism at work in the¬†PG-Rated¬†Inside Out,¬†Woody Allen’s early dirty comedy imagines that our brain and other organs are controlled like an army. ¬†Of course,¬†Woody Allen plays¬†the world’s most neurotic sperm:

“I’m scared. ¬†I don’t want to go. ¬†You hear these strange stories of a pill these women take or sometimes the (other sperm) hit their head up against a wall of rubber…. what if he’s masturbating, I’m liable to wind up on the ceiling.”

The whole is one short sex story after another, including the late, great¬†Gene Wilder’s love affair with a sheep¬†(that’s just baaaaaaaddd) and a¬†killer breast that puts Dolly Parton’s to shame.

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