Over 36% of Americans have at least one tattoo, whether it was a design that took 10 years to create or a random Japanese character chosen from the parlor’s wall after a night of binge drinking. While many who have ink may regret their decision, they can get the mark removed.
In some cases, however, there are consequences for which the inked just couldn’t prepare for and can’t get tattoo removed so easily. What are the worst consequences of getting a tattoo? From mercury poisoning to jail time to a longer than normal erection, there are a shocking number of things that can go wrong when getting a tattoo. These are those stories. *DUN DUN*
Tattoo Causes a Permanent Erection
The male arousal drug Viagra suggests that you call your doctor immediately if an erection lasts longer than four hours. An erection that lasts longer than four hours is only good if you’re in the bedroom and are named Sting.
Your tattoo artist suggests you consult a doctor after three months of having your new penis tattoo.
According to January 3, 2012’s edition of The Journal of Sexual Medicine (NSFW), the “first case of non-ischemic priapism following penile tattooing,” has occurred. The report details the observations made by doctors of an Iranian man, who after he had the brilliant idea to tattoo “good luck on your journeys,” in Persian with his girlfriend’s initials at the end on his penis, is now unable to be at anything less than half mast at all times. Forever.
How did this not seem like a bad idea to anyone? Doesn’t he know that it’s a bad luck to get the name of your significant other tattooed anywhere on your body, let alone your penis? That’s the one spotfuture girlfriends will definitely be looking at.
What’s he going to do once she dumps him for being a complete and utter idiot? Try to find another girlfriend with the initial “M,” I suppose.
Apparently, the side effects aren’t too disconcerting for the man, though, as he is no longer seeking corrective procedures. AKA, he thankfully (probably) doesn’t work around any children.
Nevertheless, the doctors and researchers who authored the article conclude that “considering this case, we discourage penile tattooing.” Thanks to those good doctors for that piece of sound advice.
Boy Band Singer Gets Mercury Poisoning from Tattoo
Tattoo ink is not regulated by any group – neither government nor private – and because of that, you can find all sorts of weird mucky muck in the ink – especially colored ink. You can find stuff like mercury, lead, and other allergens, which can lead to blood poisoning, which can potentially kill you.
Such a horrible thing occurred to Irish boybander Keith Duffy of Boyzone in 2008, postponing their highly-anticipated (???) reunion tour after being broken up for seven glorious years.
A few hours after receiving a tattoo, he began to fall ill. His arms and legs began to swell and then he collapsed before being rushed to a hospital. One of his fellow bandmates likened his appearance to the “Elephant man” – which can’t be a good thing when half of your talent as an artist is to look good (if you’re in a boy band).
But the real question about this story is why members of boy bands have the audacity to get tattoos. There’s no way you can give off the “bad boy” image when you’re singing “Wish I could tell by the look in your eyes/Don’t leave my heart out here on the line,” as the falsetto in a four-part harmony.
For the full story click here.
Your Grandma Is Right for Once: Tattoo Causes HIV
Looks like ignorant people are going to start blaming HIV and AIDS on something other than the three H’s (hemophiliacs, Haitians, and homosexuals) and explore other letters of the alphabet because of a recent news story. Which letter is that? The letter “T,” which today stands for Tourists Thinking Third-world Tattoo-artists are Trustworthy.
Bali, a resort island in Indonesia, is known for its beaches, nightlife, and its drastic increase in HIV and AIDS cases.
One case has been all but confirmed in Australia and has led to doctors encouraging those who have gone under the needle in Indonesia to be tested for HIV and other blood-borne diseases. What the doctors should’ve said was, “DON’T GET A TATTOO IN INDONESIA,” but what they did say was, “Yeah, you’ll probably get AIDS after you get a tattoo in Indonesia, so you should probably get tested afterward.”
Their leader later revealed the wonderful advice (which always sounds dumb when it’s said publicly, but they wouldn’t have to say it if people didn’t keep running into these dumbass problems) to not get any tattoos or piercings in developing countries.
So if there’s a place where you can’t drink the water unless it’s boiled, then served to you in a bag with a straw, don’t get a procedure done on you that involves needles and causes you to bleed.
Man Tattoos His Crimes on His Chest, Somehow (??) Gets Caught
This week on world’s dumbest criminals …
In January 2004, 23-year-old John Juarez, member of the Pico Nuevo gang (who specializes exclusively in providing fresh salsa to local restaurants), was murdered outside of a liquor store in Pico Rivera. The case went unsolved until 2008, when LAPD Sergeant Kevin Lloyd noticed some peculiar tattoos on the body of Rivera 13 member Anthony Garcia in his mugshot.
The tattoo is a visual confession, depicting Mr. Peanut being gunned down by a helicopter in front of Mr. Ed’s Liquor store, with the words “Rivera Kills” above the scene. Garcia’s nickname, as it turns out, is “chopper,” while members of the Pico Nuevo gang are known as “peanuts” by their rivals. Police were able to decipher the blatantly obvious message on his chest and then brought him to justice.
While I appreciate the puns, what kind of an idiot actually illustrates his crimes on his chest? The kind that’s now facing 65 years to life.
Woman’s Fairy Tattoo Leads to Naked Pictures on Her Facebook
14 years of planning and 14 hours of pain did not prepare Crysta Hammond for what would follow her decision to get the image of two fairies hugging each other etched huge onto the side of her torso for the rest of her life.
The artist who inked the tattoo on her body took a picture of it, saying it’d be used for his private portfolio.
Later that day, he asked for Hammond’s friendship on Facebook, which she accepted. Shortly thereafter, he posted the photo of her naked torso and tagged her on the image… which is great, you know, because every girl wants the whole of her Facebook connections to see her naked.
It seems Hammond doesn’t check her Facebook all that often, because it wasn’t until she received a call from her banker two days later that she even realized the infringement of her privacy (and that her f*cking banker Facebook-stalks her).
Legally, the unnamed artist is within rights to post the image because she signed a waiver before sitting in the chair, but he probably should have known better.
Doctor Refuses to Operate on Patient Because of Tattoo
So you’re an anti-Semite and find that to be the defining characteristic of yourself and your personal creed. So when the day comes that you’re going finally get some ink, you settle on the image of an Imperial Eagle perched on a Swastika. Good for you.
And obviously, since you live in post-WWII Germany, you can’t put it any place that would be visible every day. As it turns out, the majority of Germans are a little testy about being reminded of their not-so distant past as “the most evil nation of the first half of the 20th century and stuff.” Go figure.
Nevertheless, you get the tattoo and are pleased being all racist/culturally insensitive and junk… until it turns out you need to go to the hospital for an operation and the doctor scheduled for the surgery is Jewish.
That awkward moment when the surgeon discovers the tattoo and is no longer comfortable performing the surgery to the point of having to tell your wife “I will not operate on your husband.”
Permanent Scarring from a Temporary Tattoo
Even temporary tattoos have the potential of becoming permanent. And temporary tattoos are never “art” or “tasteful,” if you get them where most people do (novelty stores and those little quarter toy machines near the exits of Walmart).
Henna tattoos, on the other hand, are done by people and are only really ever explored because they’re supposed to go away after a while. And a lot of them are tasteful… but not this one. This is arguably some of the trashiest imagery you can have on yourself for a few weeks, let alone forever.
3-year-old Vinnie England was visiting Spain with his family when he received a henna tattoo from a street stall of Bart Simpson drying his butt with a towel. The sheer happiness on his face in the picture of him receiving the “temporary” tattoo makes what follows all the more tragic.
Shortly after returning home, Vinnie’s arm began to blister and burn where the henna stained his skin. His mother took him to the doctor where he received a steroid cream, but due to the severity of the reaction, it seems the scarring may very well be permanent. Based on the mother’s description of the henna, doctors believe it had been mixed with hair dye, which has been known to cause dermatitis.
For full story click here
The Mike Tyson Tattoo Guy Sues The Hangover
Speaking of idiots with facial tattoos …
Victor Whitmill, the creator of Mike Tyson’s infamous facial tattoo, sued Warner Bros in April of 2011, requesting an injunction to prevent the release of The Hangover II (guess how that turned out?) due to the use of the design on Ed Helms’ character throughout the film and on the advertisements. Whitmill, an award-winning artist who holds sole copyright to the design, claims that “one of the most distinctive tattoos in the nation,” and that the film’s usages is unauthorized exploitation.
But who’s exploiting whom? The lawsuit was settled in June after Warner Bros. threatened to alter the tattoo for the home video release. The terms were not disclosed.
For the full story, click here
The Worst Consequence: Looking Like an Idiot
Among the many unintentional side effects of getting a tattoo is the potential that it will make you look like an idiot. From misspelled words to absurd facial tattoos. There’s a reason why tattoo parlors post a sign telling clients to ensure the spelling of their tattoos. Lord knows those guys don’t use spell check.
One girl even claimed to have fallen asleep when she was being tattooed after her father was enraged by it. You know, because tattoos don’t hurt at all and are totally something you can not only sleep through, but get accidentally.
But nothing comes close to people who were inked by the guy who’s made the Internet rounds as being the “worst tattoo artist of all time” – he’s tattoo artist over at “Synyster Ink Tattoo.” Not even people who’ve actually gotten internet meme tattoos.
But is everyone being too harsh? Is this Synyster Ink guy really the worst tattoo artist of all time? I think yes. I mean, if your art is going to look like the bored doodlings of a disabled middle schooler, then why the hell make it your profession?
Anyway, YOU decide! (And here’s Buzzfeed’s roundup of the worst of the worst tattoo artist’s tattoos.
Pinkberry Founder to Beat a Homeless Over His Sexually Explicit Tattoo
Young Lee, the co-founder of Pinkberry, a frozen yogurt chain in California, was arrested on felony assault charges. Lee allegedly chased down a homeless man, and beat him with a tire iron after the man showed him his tattoo.
That tattoo in question is, again allegedly, a man and a woman having sex. Okay, Pinkberry’s first store did open in West Hollywood, so I get that Lee possibly could have been turned off by heterosexual sex printed on someone’s body, but to beat him over it? It’s a homeless man, he clearly does not have the best decision making skills, but the story gets better.
It’s not that the homeless man walked up and showed Lee his tattoo; allegedly, Lee was driving by, saw the man changing his sweater, saw the tattoo, pulled over and told the man to kneel down before him and apologize for it, which he did. The guy got down on his knees and said, “I’m sorry” for having a tattoo on his body that had nothing to do with Lee! But that’s not the end of it!
Lee said that he and his passenger felt threatened by the man, threatened by someone whom you engaged, and this “threatening individual” got on his knees simply because you asked him to, and said “I’m sorry,” for something that he didn’t even do. You’re in a car, and he’s on foot.
Hmmmm, me thinks the lad doth protest too much?
Getting It Removed Can Really, Really Hurt
A lot of people get foolish (or flat out ugly) tattoos, and later regret their decisions. And while tattoo laser removal can be expensive and painful, it works pretty well and is relatively safe. But unfortunately for one woman, it had dire consequences.
A British woman, only identified as Elspeth, got a tattoo when she was 19 on her ankle. Ten years later, she decided she wanted to have it removed, and turned to laser removal. But the surgery left her skin badly burned and the tattoo was still visible. The pain on her leg became unbearable and started to severely scar. Eventually she went on TLC’s Extreme Beauty Disasters to get the tattoo removed by an expert.
Could Getting A Tattoo Have Lifelong Medical Effects?
Many medical experts have begun studying the long-term effects of injecting ink into your skin. Two separate studies – one out of Europe and the other out of Australia – found that one in five tattoo inks carry carcinogenic chemicals, and the majority of inks do not comply with international health safety standards. They also found that 83% of black inks have at least a trace amount of carcinogens.
Researchers are concerned introducing carcinogens into the body via the skin could cause things like cancer.
People Are Less Likely To Hire People With Tattoos
According to a survey by Salary.com, having a tattoo hurts your chance of getting hired. In a survey of 2,700 employers, the website found 76% of respondents felt applicants having tattoos hurt their chances of getting hired.
A 35-year-old British woman said she was fired from her job at a school after her employer realized she had tattoos. The woman said she was hired in the winter – when she would wear long sleeves and pants that hid her tattoos. But when spring and summer came around, her tattoos became visible and her employer said she was a bad influence.
“I was good at my job and the children seemed to like talking about my tattoos,” she told BBC.