Before we even get started, it’s important to consider Family Guy’s take on the situation. Watch the video on the left for what can possibly be waiting for suicide bombers when they reach their afterlife.
It would be awesome.
According to the Hadith, a collection of sayings generally contributed to Muhammad, number 2,562 of the collection Sunan al- Tirmidhi reads, “The least [reward] for the people of Heaven is 80,000 servants and 72 wives, over which stands a dome of pearls, aquamarine and ruby.”
Perhaps the term “wives” is less specific than “virgins,” but in Islamic tradition, it’s basically expected that women save their virginities for their husbands. Unless they’ve had a sigheh already, which under these conditions, I’m guessing they have…
Here’s what you never really consider, though. Are these the same 72 hot-enough-to-warrant-killing-yourself, somehow-immortal-and-indestructible chicks for everyone else? Or is this where women go in the afterlife? Being one of the servants in Islamic heaven would surely suck. Do they draw straws?
Either way, a man who needs 72 virgin wives at his every beck and call has a LOT more in mind than raising children, getting some kick-ass cooking and being yelled at. Dude has some crazy s**t planned that probably involves a system of pulleys.
Either way, if you believe in Fundamentalist Islam it’s really quite awesome and definitely something to look forward to. Think about it. If you can realistically swallow the ideology, get behind it and live it right, it definitely should make life a little more like a Friday than the whole “waiting to die” mentality. Having something to look forward to that’s THAT awesome might have its upsides. For example…
Catholicism: Our Priests Aren’t Pedophiles, They’re Gay… So It’s Okay to Molest Kids
While this may not be a rule stated by The Bible itself, it is one that is accepted by Catholics everywhere because the group that has become their delegate to the media has not only stated it, but fought for it and justified it to high heavens — which makes it that much crazier that some people believe this.
According to Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic league, the crisis in the Catholic Church is not pedophile priests, but rather, homosexual priests.
Donahue claims that 80% of victims are male and past puberty, and hence, count as young adults (12 – 17) rather than children.
So basically, according to the Catholic League, if you’re old enough to be reading Fear Street instead of Goosebumps, you’re officially qualified to be touched anywhere by your local Priest.
… Which makes perfect sense…
Judaism: Women Not to Contact Husbands During Period
A “Niddah” in orthodox Jewish culture is a woman on her period, and according to Jewish law, husband and wife have to be separated during the “Niddah’s” menstruation.
The Torah holds that a man is not permitted to have sex with his wife when she is a “Niddah.”
It’s not unheard of for couples to abstain from sex during the woman’s period, but usually because they just did laundry, not because of a Jewish restriction that takes it to a whole new level.
Also, this was probably a rule that traditional comics like Henry Youngman would have appreciated being more of a norm “Take my wife… no really, please.”
Islam: Temporary Weekend Marriages (For Sex)
Sex outside of marriage is prohibited by law in Iran, but Islam offers an excellent loophole. A loophole that would mean a lot more people would be getting married (and then divorced) at an early age if this loophole existed under any of the Judeo-Christian belief systems.
“Sigheh” is the tradition of temporary marriage, and the only requirement is a permit for the period of the relationship (both parties agree to a time limit) and often, a dowry payment to the woman. It’s kind of like buying a car, only the car can give birth.
“Sigheh” can last anywhere from five minutes to 99 years, and often it isn’t even registered with the government or the church. According to Elaine Sciolino, “Sigheh legally wraps premarital sex in an Islamic cloak.”
Hey, where there’s a will there’s a way. Some twosomes have even retained the permit in order to live and work in close quarters or comingle in public, in a completely platonic sense of course or at least until their marriage expires.
In some ways, this is a lot more realistic and forgiving than that whole “til death do us part” thing. In some ways, it’s actually cooler. Who wouldn’t want to live under the rule of a “‘Til we decide this is no longer a good idea” as part of marriage vows? *Sheepishly raises hand…*
Paganism: Group Masturbation Rituals for the Crops
Ancient paganist groups in the Middle East often conducted mass sex ceremonies in order to increase their productivity. Because nothing helps you get through that “2PM feeling” faster than sex (or 5 Hour Energy.)
The most successful members of the group would lead the enormous display of mutual masturbation, and every individual would try and reach climax at the same time as the most productive leaders — keep in mind, this was before the advent of crackers.
This group orgasm was, then, meant to elicit a favorable response from the fertility Gods above, and set the stage for good farming during the growing season.
Every botanist of sound body and mind knows that in order for your sunflowers to grow in the correct, upward position with fertile seeds, you need to m********e in front of at least 10 other people. C’mon people, it’s science.
Wicca: Sex as the Great Rite
Basically, sex to Wiccans is the religious equivalent of if you did your taxes way ahead of time and even included that contracting job you did. It’s the most sacred thing ever. Which makes me question my own belief systems now…
In the Wiccan tradition, the Great Rite is a spiritual and symbolic connection between the high priest and high priestess. Basically it would be like if Priests HAD to have sex with an alterperson (of age, of course) in front of everyone just to properly execute the day’s prayers.
This “Great Rite” is acted out by either having physical intercourse or a symbolic kind of intercourse that involves piercing a knife into a chalice filled with wine. It actually sounds like it would be a lot less wasteful to go the good old fashioned way and just do it in front of everyone. But who knows, some people just enjoy stabbing stuff.
In Wiccan doctrine, the Great Rite also represents the creation of the world, which makes the ritual even more sacred and important, which also makes Wicca one of the most sexually healthy religions on Earth.
Islam: Cheating is Worse Than Murder
Judaism: Sex May Not Be Used as a Weapon
Okay, so this one’s less weird and more absolutely freaking awesome.
Judaism is a more sexually liberal religion than many of its counterparts, including Catholicism, Christianity, and Islam. It definitely takes the prize in that not only does it have some pretty liberal rules about doing it, but you also have rules that actually cater to sexual health in loving relationships (weird, right?)
According to Jewish law, sex may never be used as a weapon against a spouse, either by depriving the spouse of sex or by compelling it. It is a serious offense to use sex (or lack thereof) to punish or manipulate a spouse.
*Jewish men everywhere rejoice*
Catholicism: Having Sex with Your Wife Can Be Adulterous
Oh holy good lord baby Jesus.
Pope John Paul II urged husbands “not to commit adultery with their wives by desiring sex for its mere pleasure and the satisfaction of instinct” (Modras: 124, of 1980).
We weren’t exactly expecting a sex positive response, but isn’t it a tad over the top, and well, you know, WRONG to say that sex with your wife could even possibly be adulterous? The argument is that having sex for pleasure, rather than procreation, is against Church doctrine, but how on earth is that adulterous? Here’s the definition of adultery, according to the Oxford dictionary, just so we’re clear: (noun) voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a person who is not his or her spouse.
Interesting how this has nothing to do with sleeping with your wife. Just goes to show how solid everyone’s reading of The Bible is (including those who define the words derived from it that we use every day.)
Islam: Absolutely No Sex During the Daytime from August 1st-30th, 2011
Okay, this is pretty specific.
But what about the afternoon delights we all know and love?
In the Islamic tradition, August 1-30th is the Ramadan, the Islamic fasting period that is supposed to teach subscribers to the religion the virtues of faith, humility, and spirituality. Muslims fast, abstain from sex, and don’t drink anything from dawn until sunset for the entire 9th month of the Islamic calendar. But sex immediately after sundown is okay.
This means that if you have any devout Muslim friends who you’re going to see in August, the best time to bring up some bad news probably isn’t during the day.
This rule would actually settle quite a few disputes in quite a few different households where women are generally fans of morning sex, but guys like the night sex because they can just pass out afterward instead of, you know, “start their day.”
Catholicism: Masturbation Leads to at Least Half of the Deadly Sins
“Masturbation breeds self-absorption (pride), greed, sexual gluttony, and is often a result of sloth.”
The Catholics are simply not big fans of sexual gratification (or really any flavor of “stuff that makes you happy“) of any kind.
Rumors swirl all over the internet about what sex acts are sanctioned and which aren’t: Is oral sex ok? Yes or no? What about birth control? Yes or no? Though Catholicism, as well as other Christian sects, find some areas debatable, they all seem to be pretty firm of their stance on one thing: Masturbation.
According to Jesse Crowley of The porn Effect, a Catholic advice website, masturbation breeds self-absorption (pride), greed, sexual gluttony and is often a result of sloth. Be careful readers: anytime you’re just sitting on the couch, doing a whole lot of nothing, beware the evil hand of masturbation. Theoretically, though, this would also affect dudes that spend their days like this:
Judaism: Sex is a Mitzvah… and an Evil Impulse?
Even though Jewish people are generally more accepting of the beauty of carnal relations, they still consider the root of sex to be a “yetzer ra”, or an “Evil Impulse.”
Ironically, at the same time, loving sex between a husband and wife is also a mitzvah, or a commandment that Jews are required to observe.
So here is what we call “the reason it’s really difficult to argue with a Rabbi”: conflicting ideologies and perceptions of the same thing within the same belief system.
Judaism: No Sex on October 8th, 2011
October 8, 2011 is Yom Kippur, commonly known as the Day of Atonement. Jewish people fast, pray and abstain from sex for 25 hours — even the alone kind. This is kind of strange considering how much sex people have during Christmas. They even make Santa-themed clothes for the occasion… although I’ve never seen any Jesus-themed Christmas sex toys, so that may be the answer to that question.
Anyway, the day changes every year; but with all of these holidays, the point seems to be purity. Then again, it does seem a little silly that one day of refusing sex makes up for a year’s worth of getting down and dirty, but hey it’s kind of like when you buy your girlfriend a bouquet of flowers on Valentine’s Day for being a complete dick for the rest of the year — it just kind of works.